A future.

I will be a fool to give up that for which my heart yearns. Logic takes me places. Passion inspires me to arrive-- and enjoy.

My teammates all laugh at me and joke that my biological clock is ticking with all the signs I'm displaying. My nightly dreams are often about children-- giving birth, breast feeding, and adoption-- but always end in my inability to keep the children in my life. They are out of my grasp or taken away or lost. When carrying heavy rocks I automatically sling them to my hip and think "it's like a 3 year old!" Interaction with children is the most natural job I've ever had. My body's peculiarities have been present for over 8 months now.

This all feels so ironic.

I remember being asked in preschool as I skated around the kiddie college what I'd like to be when I grow up. "A nurse!" I responded. Again, as I entered middle school I looked at the same profession, but perhaps as a neonatal nurse or birth attendant of some sort. The following years have been spent searching for something that truly calls to me without much luck, except my love for knowledge of reproductive health. Throughout high school friends could turn to me for the sex-ed the school lacked and our religion and parents hid. I found it all fascinating and spent countless hours reading about "family planning." Entering college I subscribed to Planned Parenthood's newsletters and looked into volunteer opportunities within their organization. Why have I been so mindless not to pursue something that has always interested me and now seems to be taking over my personal life?

Here's the latest possible plan:

• Get back to USU, major in Health Education w/ emphasis community health
• minor in FCHD? I think a double major would be too much.
  
• Find an apprenticeship as a midwife
• Find a basement to live in for the winter, preferably rent free & exchange for cooking/cleaning.
  
• Find a job that I enjoy. Save my money.
  

Dreams change. Maybe a year down the road, or 3, or even 5, my desires will not be the same; but if now is the time I wish to understand what lays ahead, now is the time to draw the map. Considering the options my future holds have never been so overwhelming. AmeriCorps was supposed to be a time of answers for myself—finding my true passions, finding the route to accomplishment. My definition of accomplishment is abstract.

It was a misconception to think this would give me the answers I could not find for myself in the last 3.5 years I spent searching in college classes. In the 17 year old mind of Amanda accomplishment meant an established career, creative forces displayed in the details of a beloved dress designed by yours truly. In the 19 year old mind achievement meant a college degree and a life outside Utah. At 21, my ideals morphed to an understanding that nirvana would not be found at a University, but in the pursuit of happiness. Nearing 23, all of these have come together: creativity-- sewing, knitting, writing, dreaming; college-- learning, friends, Americorps, travel; happiness-- always. I'm going to run with it and see where it takes me.